had the usual monday….really REALLY want to take a vacation. not even a vacation. a getaway. ill even take a weekend. better yet, something unplanned. unorganized. unauthorized. kinda like that one time my roommates and i drove out to newport beach at night to sit on the lifeguard towers in the dark and listen to the waves. what an awesome night that was. i miss that.
….waiting for more spontaneous memories.
i love that dang song. it’s by ernie from sesame street. =/ i know. lame. for some reason it’s in my head and kinda applies to how i feel. i used to walk around the apt in riverside singing the first lines of the song and my roommates had no idea wtf song i was singing. haha. “oh i’d like to visit the moon. on a rocket ship high in the sky..” maybe i’ve lost my mind haha. or maybe it’s just monday. and i hate mondays. i think everyone hates mondays.
i was staring at this blank blog entry page for a long time this morning. i felt like i had so much to write. so much i wanted to type. but no way to put it. i still feel the same way. but i thought i’d start being productive and type something.
i had a pretty…adventurous wkend you can say, for lack of better words. im sure ill post more about it later. at this time tho, i feel almost like a blur. i guess that’s how i could describe it. i was telling pam on aim how i feel blah today. she totally knew. she even offered me mac n cheese (haha thanks roommate) and im still blah. don’t really want it. what’s crazy is im pretty sure this blah feeling…is something i can completely control. but my mind chooses not to. long story short, my life is grand. im blessed to live the life i live and i love the people i get to live it with. maybe that’s my problem?
lately ive been trying to be “nicer” especially to my mom. she made a comment about me a couple weeks ago that really rang loud. she told me that i used to be so nice to her. i used to be so caring, compassionate, helpful, etc…and now, i talk back more, i state my mind, im more “angry” and get frustrated more easily. totally got me all depressed and crap cause i know it’s true. my mom said it’s not like im not still nice and dependable and blah blah, but i realize that i do talk back to my parents more often, and i don’t take too much crap from them. don’t get me wrong, i still have “the fear” and my parents still have me within close guilty distance, but im aware that ive grown more of an “i don’t give a shit” attitude over time. and it makes me unhappy. but at the same time, i almost wished i really didn’t give a shit all the time. maybe an on and off switch? caring ON: “i need you to worry about my health. i have chest pains.” caring OFF: “im going to do things my way despite what you say.” caring ON: “im stressed out and im scared. what if it’s bad news?” caring OFF: “im gonna stop cooking so you stop eating. (smile)”
brighter notes:
my checking account, that is!!! so, in response to my previous blog about getting organized, i decided to call my financial providers about repayment of my student loans. interest is building at the speed of light and alisa would like to afford a house sometime during this lifetime. so time to pay off some student loans!!
first off, LEMME TELL YOU that i nearly DIED when i found out my loan balance. im not going to post how much i actually owe, fearing my friends and family will leave me in fear of me asking to pawn their homes for monthly payments. let’s just say ill be eating whatever is currently in my pant pocket til 2018.
…i guess that inspires me to stay at work just a TAD longer today.
in the emergency room. ah! everything’s okay. i just had a minor nervous breakdown cause my mom caught me off guard with chest pains growing periodically throughout the evening. feel free to scroll through this rant about the details.
the original plan: dino was gonna come over, we were gonna have AYCE sushi at cabin with the taps fam bam and kidnap tobi to fight the teeny boppers in line for hulk to watch sex and the city, crash at the condo and look forward to saturday morning breakfast with the roommate and the boy. what actually happened: called my mom after work and she told me she had some chest pains, but “i’m fine. i’m fine. i don’t need help.” dino stuck in massive traffic on the 210, < 5mph for 1.5 hrs. went out to dinner with pam, called her again, “it’s getting a bit worse. went to water the plants and couldn’t do it. i’m fine. don’t come home.”, sat at the condo contemplating with pam, called her again, “eh. it’s getting a little worse. but it’s okay. stay home. i kno what to do. if i collapse ill just call 9-1-1. that’s all. you don’t have to come.” [freakin SCORPIO] so i started freaking out when it hit me that i really need to go home. called up tobi to tell her i can’t make it and couldn’t hold it together cause i was scared for my mom. i was crying the whole drive home, mind you, it was the LONGEST DRIVE OF MY LIFE from my condo. didnt realize how far it was from home. i called my aunt (fam friend) who’s a nurse and lives close by and told her id be home in 30min and to just sit with my mom til then. felt a little better that she was on the way there so i drove a little slower only to realize there was a cop behind me. so im on the 57 merging onto the 91 going 55mph. when i got home, my aunt (bless her!) was there and she picked up her 2 sisters too, another nurse and a physician’s assistant, and then my uncle the pharmacist got there at the same time. i had a freakin hospital in my kitchen. i felt way better. they made her take some mylanta [thinking it was gas] and just sat around waiting. dino “the ambulance” the teased, got to my house with some aspirin just in case it might have been a mild heart attack. after 30min, the mylanta should’ve worked if it was gas, she still felt bad and the pain spread to her back, so i took her to the ER. she was a trooper! (i had to drag her there kicking and screaming.) you just can’t bring nurses to the ER! they’re like stubborn little kids! right when they put her on oxygen and the nurse left, she ripped it out and was like, ‘i don’t wanna wear this! it’s annoying!”…4 yr old kid!! poor dino, i love him, sat in the lobby by himself for 2 hours before my mom made me tell him to go home. i know he would have stayed all night. thanks babe. we left the ER around 2am with all her tests clear. but now she’s complaining that the pain spread to her back. she’s thinking it might be a spinal nerve thing. also kinda scary. we might be back in the ER today.
i have seriously got to get my life together. i was feeling a little down today and of course, what do i do when im feeling down?? i read glo’s blog!! =D and then i go through all the blogs on my bloglist and realize just how much i miss blogging. reading my roommates’ blogs and my friends’ blogs feels almost like psych therapy.
today, im going to go home, sit down, and write some sort of schedule. [mind you, i have TONS of these things. microsoft excel is my friend.] but i really want to just come up with some sort of system. i like timed schedules. not that my semi-hectic life would ever fit in a set schedule, but im gonna try again! for the 15 billionth time! and in my schedule, im going to try and set some designated time for blogging. i like writing them and i like reading others’ blogs so dammit, im going to get back into it!!
p.s. – thanks for the nice graduation post, glo! sorry it took this long for me to read. but it made me smile.
ever have those moments when you’re so frustrated and you want to scream or yell, but you just can’t.. because you’re at home, or work, or school, or somewhere where you just can’t yell. but you OH-SO-WISH you had a pillow you can scream into or a mountain you can yell from….
WELL. i feel that way RIGHT NOW. and this blog is my pillow. and i’m YELLING into it. because i’m ANGRY.
that’s all. thanks blog. for allowing me to do that. as opposed to punching my laptop screen or chucking my cell phone across the earth.
man, TWO huge blogs in one day…what can i say. im an emotional bear. nothing we all didn’t already know about me. =P
i feel like so many things happened this week to make me appreciate life just a bit more each day. things that seem so certain, that we all take for granted, and then life just throws unpredictable challenges out there to remind you of how lucky you are.
my family…i talk to my mom every day on the phone and it’s usually a rundown on my family stuff. my mom constantly struggles with my brother and his life choices and most of the time, it kills me. it kills me to hear my mom sad. she’s one of those scorpios that puts up a front like she doesn’t care but deep down inside she cares so much that it kills her inside. and she’s all alone at home most of the days and it just drives me crazy. it doesn’t help that my dad is an emotional, menopausal rollercoaster. my mom just worries about jade so much, and loves him so much. and jade thinks my parents don’t support him and don’t love him like they do me. but in reality, my parents worry about jade and love him more than he will ever know. it’s because they love him so much, that they feel helpless and have no choice but to accept it all. i just wished that he would step back and realize that some time.
friends..a few of my close friends have gone through some life changes of their own and apparently, i seem to be taking it in just a tad too much. i hate that about myself. i worry. i sympathize. i get distracted. i get attached. i get all emotional. too emotional. too much everything for my own good. but i guess it allows me to take a step back and realize how much i appreciate these people in my life. how much they’ve done for me to make me happy and how much i wish the same for them always.
one of my professors…he’s completely passionate about what he does. and i love that. he’s the most positive person, loves what he does, loves life and lives it to the fullest. you can tell he’s got a good heart and he’s a good person. he told us once that when he was 25 years old, he was diagnosed with a rare terminal illness and the doctors told him he had a life expectancy of about 5 more years. he’s now 36 and living the good life. what a fighter! makes sense…the whole positivity thing. unfortunately, we just found out that his terminal illness is back, and it’s a severe malfunction in his kidneys. we received a letter in our mailboxes from his friend. it was a final plea for anyone to donate a kidney. he’s currently on a kidney transplant waiting list and the average weight is 7 years. you can kinda tell it’s physically affecting him because he looks skinnier…not so peppy as usual. it just makes me think how unpredictable life is and how anything can happen to change your life so drastically. he’s one of those people that loves living. loves life. and appreciates it all. and life’s just not giving him a fair chance. i just hate seeing good people fall. 
i told my mom about it and she said that good health is greatest blessing you can have. and most people take it for granted. life’s just too short to do that.
all in the same week, i went to my leadership class and my prof starts the class by telling us that class will be cut short today, only one hour long rather than 3, and we’ll be leaving at the break. SCORE!!! what wonderful words every student wants to hear! he goes on to tell us that he’s ending the lecture early because his wife is suffering from breast cancer and he needs to be at the hospital at her bedside. OMG. wtf. completely unexpected. i felt horrible for being so happy that class was ending early. and you can see it in his eyes. i can’t begin to imagine what he and his family are going through. health is inevitable. what an awakening realization…
FINALLY…dino told me a story about a man at his church that he’s known for a while, but not too close. he’s always super happy, loves life, really positive and spreads that around. dino told me that he was observing him the other day…and it just hit him about how trivial some of our problems can be compared to other things people face in the world. this man that he was observing…was in a coma a while ago. a COMA! like, lifeless in a bed. and he came out of it. and was given another chance at life. and he’s not going to let any moment pass him by. and dino just realized that sometimes we face challenges and problems in our lives that we make out to seem so huge and critical when there’s so much else out there that we don’t have to endure. bigger problems out there that others have to face. made us appreciate things a whole lot more and realize how blessed we are.
on that note: here is the most recent list of appreciatives in my life. i actually meant to post them a LONG time ago and it’s been sitting on my desktop waiting for time to just fly by! my assignment is technically complete now, after 14 days. but ill try and continue this as often as i can.
20 things i appreciate in life (in no particular order): Days 14 & 15
1. Our PUR water filtration system
2. Stores with no specific return policy
3. When my boss let’s me study at work during exam weeks
4. Comfortable shoes
5. That jieae trusts me to give her good directions
6. When the condo is clean
7. That Angie and I can maintain our long distance bestfriendship of almost 18 years.
8. Condiments
9. When I can actually reason with my dad (this is extremely rare)
10. My ipod
11. That Montclair gym has television screens on their cardio equipment. (yes, I’m a fat American addicted to TV. Let me be.)
12. Every type of ethnic market is within driving distance of my parents’ house
13. When Dino and Jade get along well
14. Anti-Poof Conditioner
15. that I can get thai food that tastes almost as good as my dad’s right near school.
16. Opportunities to attend Buddhist temples with my family
17. that Pam has a huge wardrobe of clothes =)
18. that my parents brought me up in America instead of Thailand
19. that I live in California (as opposed to any other state in the United States)
20. 100 calorie snack pack
and opportunities to appreciate all the things in my life.
it’s finally friday!! i thought it would never get here! i’m at work for a full day today and my boss is on vacation. therefore, i get to blog my life away and make money for it! not a shabby deal at all…. well, at least until i have that darn marketing report due by 2pm today. what a kill joy.
despite this chaotic week’s events, i must say, i really enjoyed my class lectures this week. it’s a shame that im finally enjoying my classes during my last semester in grad school but at least i can finish off on a pleasant note. i learned a few life lessons this week i thought i’d share. feel free to scroll down and bypass my blabber. im just writing as it pop in my head.
one thing i learned from undergrad (one of the few things i learned there) that i still carry with me is that all conflict arises from misunderstanding. in times of conflict when we are angry or aggressive and act irrationally, it is usually because we misunderstood the other party in some sort. for example, when we drive on the streets or on the freeway, it’s uber common for people to cut you off, speed, road rage, merge into your lane without looking and nearly side-swiping you, etc.. our instant reaction is typically ”WHAT the FUCK?! you fucking asshole learn how to fucking drive!” (we’ve all been there.) in that instant moment, if we are able to take a step back and think alternatively, perhaps we won’t let our emotions get the best of us. instead of thinking that the other driver had bad intentions to piss you off, YOU, specifically, because ya know, there’s no one else on the road but you. and no one else is in a hurry except you. cause you’re the best driver in the world. and everyone needs to respect that, we can think of things as, “what if his wife is having a baby and he’s rushing to the hospital?” or “what if she just got a phone call from the hospital that her son has been in a major car accident?” “what if he’s late for the job interview of his life?” granted, im sure there ARE plenty of people that ARE really horrible, rudely inconsiderate drivers out there. i suppose we would never really know what their intentions are and what’s going on in their minds, but at least in your mind, you can realize that “most people are misunderstood. and i understand that.”
in my leadership class, we learned steps to negotiating with difficult opponents and conflict resolution, an idea by William Ury, author of “Getting Past No”. i found that these steps could be easily applicable to people that we don’t get along with or wonder “what the fuck they were thinking?!” in the same sense, my self-management class also touched on ideas from positive psychology and how to deal with problems by “changing your questions” and “becoming a learner rather than a judger” im not gonna sit here and type out the whole lecture (although it seems that ive typed enough about it already) but here are some key takeaways that i gained from the two classes:
ONE more story: (as you can see, i haven’t blogged in a while…now you must suffer the consequences of my notoriously long blogs) i was watching an episode of oprah one day a long time ago that really touched me. the guests were a panel of mothers of children with autism. i didn’t know too much about the disease so i thought id watch and learn something. after going through their children’s history, the onset of the disease, symptoms and etc., the mothers describe how most people don’t really understand what they go through unless they have a child with autism. to make a long story short, oprah asked at the very end of the show, “mothers, if you could offer one piece of advice or information about autism to anyone watching, what would it be?” and one mother said, “when you see a parent of an autistic child in the grocery stores, the parks, in the bus or at a restaurant, the ones holding a baby in one hand with another child throwing something, screaming without reason, or demanding attention. rather than passing judgment, getting annoyed, and assuming we’re bad parents, please stop by and ask, “is everything okay? is there anything i can help you with?” it helps just to know someone understands and cares. i definitely learned something new. and gained a whole new perspective.
